27 March 2009

Determination, There It Goes...

Who knew determination could be so detrimental?! Determination. It is the piece I have been missing lately. And the reason I let go of all of my determination is becoming clear. 

My mom has always told me that I have always accomplished anything I set my mind to. And it has plagued me that over the last ten years, I have seen less and less of that. May be this should be a post about emotional abuse.... I've always known that I am driven to be good at anything I undertake. What is the point of doing it if you are not going to try to get good at it? I usually end up excelling very quickly. This is the way all humans work. Learning is a very fast proposition when it is something you want to learn.
And that's when the ridicule starts. That's when people start saying such nasty things about how I always need to be better than everyone else. That is never my intention. They tell me that I am too competitive, and it is a bad thing based on their tone of voice. And yet, the only one I have ever competed against is myself.
My fault is that I am still a good little public school child. I need someone else to tell me I did a good job, or I don't think it is good enough and I start again. School was something I excelled in. Set guidelines, set expectations, and plenty of praise and/or rewards for a job well done. This isn't how it is as an adult. There isn't anyone outside of yourself to give you set expectations, guidelines, or praise.
I guess that is where my determination went. It didn't have a direction, and every time it exerted itself, I was ridiculed. Why would my determination want to stick around? Not everyone ridiculed me. In fact, I have supportive people around me who never even knew of this struggle. I am just seeing it myself. Is this another effect that emotional abuse has left me with? Now that I have exorcised the source of this ridicule out of my life, and I have identified the problem, how do I go about getting back my determination?
I wonder do I go around calling it like a lost kitty? "Here determination, that's a good determination. It's safe now, you're safe, come here little determination..." Yeah, I'm feeling kind of silly...

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