06 February 2011

Filters, Feelings, and Healing

We all see everything we experience in life through our own filters.. our own tinted glasses, if you will. This is why several people watching the same thing will report having seen different things. Please know that I am quite aware that I am seeing these events in my memory through my own filter, and they may be changed from what others would remember for this reason.

It is especially important to realize this when you are working to heal any feelings you have from experiences in your past or even present life. The feelings that you need to heal are the ones you are feeling, and what you are feeling can ONLY come from inside of you. This is one of those times when you have to be careful to avoid the "shoulds". Your feelings are not dependent upon what other people say you SHOULD feel, only what you DO feel. You can not heal what you SHOULD feel; it is not what you ARE feeling. Accept your feelings, own them.. they are truly yours, and there is nothing wrong with them.

When others hear what I have been through in my life, they are often surprised. They say things about me being strong. They give me sympathy. Personally, it is simply my story. There is nothing special about it. It is the past, and I am moving past it and trying to heal whatever parts of me need healing. I am searching for the me I was born to be.. I like that woman and am ready to be her now.

I have done a lot of healing work in different modalities to heal some of the worst feelings I have held.. and discovered that for me life is much like an onion. I am slowly peeling away one layer at a time, only to reveal the next layer. And that is okay too. In fact, I have learned to rejoice in the layers, and be grateful for my wonderful, strong, powerful mind that has protected me and kept me safe from these memories all these years. I am grateful for it's wisdom in knowing when I am ready to handle the next layer.

A day or two ago it did just that. I woke up to a memory that I had not thought about in years.. almost two decades now. It was a memory of something that had happened when I was about seventeen, and in my senior year of high school. It was a memory of something that had happened that I had never been able to make sense out of. Strangely enough it was not a painful memory. I was not overwrought with emotion, just curious. There had to be something in this memory that I was missing.. I had long ago forgiven the people involved. I had forgiven myself for my part in it. It really was in my past.. so why did my mind think it was the piece I was desperately searching for to heal. What made it the "next" most important thing?

I have asked myself these questions over the last couple of days, and just let the thought run in the background while I have gone about my days as usual. Somewhere in the middle of last night it hit me, and when I woke up this morning it all came flooding back to me... I had that missing piece. Who knew that three little words, said by the right person, at just the right time, could change your life? Who knew that one could carry that through decades of time, having it still affect them and not realizing that it was there?

It is important to note that my mom is the most encouraging and supportive person in my life, closely followed by my grandmother. Despite anything else I have been through, I have always had the love of my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother (she died in 1986). I have always had their support and encouragement. I credit my mother for who I am today. I never in a million years have guessed that where I am today would be credited to her as well.. three little words spoken by her.

I was a very caring, but strong willed child. I had made arrangements with my mom's best friend to move in with her. I was being responsible. I thought I would make things easier on my mother. I was going to get a job, and go through the school's work program to be able to spend the last semester working and finishing high school. I had found a trustworthy adult I knew, with a suitable living arrangement.. I would rent the basement rooms from her. I would be independent and self sufficient, and my mother would be independent again also. It was only one semester until I graduated.. I thought I was just doing the normal a touch early. I was always good at that.

When I told my mom the plan, she freaked out. It was horrible. I suppose now, as a mother myself, I understand it a bit better. She said NO. I was a teenager.. I kept pushing. I was certain I could do it. I was certain that I would succeed. She said NO. I tried talking with her best friend to get her help to convince my mom this would be a good thing. She talked to my mom. Mom still said NO, and she said I was no longer allowed to talk with her friend. I remember going over to the friend's house, and being turned away at the door, "I can't talk to you anymore. I'm sorry." I got over this fairly quickly. She was my mother. She knew best. This is the part I had already healed. It was over and done.

Somewhere in the next couple of weeks, she just got tired of me pushing. I could be quite stubborn! This was the missing part. This was what had hit me in the middle of the night. I had been arguing with my mom about being allowed to go see her friend, and I just kept pushing. And that is when it happened.. those three little words that have ruled my life. "I forbid you." She spoke in that deadly quiet voice that is simply absolute. The one where you know your parents are serious, and nothing will change their mind.

Logically, it is easy to see that she forbade me to go see her friend... But, I remember the days that followed. I remember sitting in my room and crying. I remember searching for understanding. How could she take away a trusted friend that I went to for advice? How could she take away my dreams? How could she take away from me this chance to be independent and self sufficient?!

And there it was.. the link. In those emotional days of tears, I linked her words with my thoughts. Spock would be proud at the logical nature I used to get to this conclusion.. In my mind, she had forbidden me to be independent and self sufficient. And that changed and set the tone for my life up until now.

Now, I can see it clearly. Now I know that everything is different. Now I am an adult, and it is time for me to be independent and self sufficient in a way that I thought I was forbidden to be. Life is great!

No comments: