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08 June 2011
Clutter, Pain, and the Past
There is a huge difference between saying that you are ready to give away all that STUFF, and actually doing it. One thing about moving is that, as you pack stuff, you have an opportunity to think about whether or not you really want the things you are packing. And so we did as we packed to move here a month ago. We got rid of tons of stuff, and for those that have followed along my journey for a while, you know that we have long been on journey of healing that has allowed us to get rid of the physical clutter that has protected us for so long.
Since being here, I feel like the healing that I/we have done has intensified and multiplied. At times, I almost think it is out of control. Or perhaps that is simply me, becoming who I have always been and getting used to this new skin that is such an odd shape and size to me at the moment. I am sure I will get used to it, after all, it is me. But for now it is completely strange to me, and yet familiar at the same time.
For this reason, the boxes that we moved are still sitting in the living room. They have been a towering wall that creates a unique path from one side of the room to the front bedroom, leaving the family area perfectly secluded. It has been a fantastic reminder of how much we really do want to let go of the pain of the past, and a total aggravation that we are finding quite hard to ignore!
We have had thoughts of simply placing the boxes into the car unopened and driving them to the donation center. We really couldn't think of what could possibly be so important in those boxes. If we weren't looking for anything as we went about our daily life, what could possibly be in there that we really wanted. That is so much easier to say than do!
Perhaps I would have done exactly that, given them away without looking, if it weren't for the fact that I knew there would be things that my mother would want if I wasn't keeping them. The past is something she clings to in her own way. For her it is history; it is reminders. For me, so much of it is only a reminder of pain. So for her, I will open each box and look through it.
Maybe it is the better thing to do. Maybe facing the past that has become a different lifetime is something that I need to do to truly let go. Maybe facing the pain is what is needed to let it go, or maybe it is how one becomes stronger. I don't know. What I do know is one step at a time, I will get through this unsurmountable task, like I have done with so many before.